Wednesday, December 18, 2013

SOC / I Know It

The sound of the wind rushing up against the window pane
And the low hum of my computer are all that disturb this flat
the week after my roommates went travelling in mainland Europe
or home for the holidays.
The 2014 year diary by my left given to me by my host family
The Cadbury "Dairy Milk" mug I've used every day all semester
to my right on my nightstand, along with a dirty plate, a tired iPhone, beside them
White Teeth, Angela's Ashes, and You Can Buy Happiness (And It's Cheap).
Lighting the room is my dull, humming computer, and if you can imagine it,
an even duller light from a lamp given to me by a friend I met at international cafe.
"...I don't care, I'm still free, you can't take the sky from me..."
I sat around much too long today and took two dis-solvable Vitamin C tablets
when I usually only allow 1/day. I could have written out "one per day," 
but I'd rather show off that I remember what the / means. Here in the 
United Kingdom they don't pronounce / slash but hash. After all this, 
I'm glad I came for the social and cultural experience,
but I have to say, academically, I taught myself this semester. 
Though I will miss many things here, like the fact that I've been forced
into cultivating a new-found love for cooking; I can spend every season, 
day and night with fresh air wafting through my bedroom window; and
lengthy conversations uninterrupted by a constant running television.
I'll miss how aware of vegetarian diets are the supermarkets and restaurants.
I'll miss the giant windmill outside my window, and the fact that I can see
rabbits all over campus even in December.
To be honest, I'll probably always just associate my semester abroad as
a time of freedom, since this is the freest I'll ever be, without work and
without the kind of course work I'm used to at my home university.
And a relationship? Well, honestly, I was never really preoccupied at all
with the fact that I've been single all semester. I know what I'm looking for 
and I know I didn't see it here. C'est la vie. But I know I'll be ready for it
when I go back home, because I know now that happiness is the state of mind
with which I travel, not the travelling in and of itself.
I also know that I've been saying "I know" quite a lot lately and I don't want
to make the same mistake I did the last time I said it, because I know that was
just this past June and it went a little something like "I know we're only 20
years old right now, but I feel like we both have a kind of grasp on other people
that most don't understand in a lifetime." I was 20 and my ex was 19 
and I really felt that there, lying under a blanket of stars in the back
of his pickup truck, we knew something exclusive to the rest of the world.
What a bunch of geniuses we thought we were.
But I know (ha ha) that it won't take watching a thousand
TED Talks, reading every literature classic, and obtaining a bunch of
college degrees to get to where I want to be when I go home.
I can try, but I know I won't be that genius I thought myself months ago,
and that's okay, because the frustration of that realization
is what makes me who I am. It's my own little flaw, and I know it.

No comments:

Post a Comment