Thursday, July 9, 2015

Independent Women and Dependent Men

Dependency is such a difficult topic. I began this post as a poem, "Dependency Depends," but it got to be too involved, and I wanted to say so much that I scratched it, and began anew here with a bit of a tirade, and a bit of lament - all for those people who depend too much on others.

All my life I've spent surrounded by independent women, their free spirits impeded only by the absolutely wrong kind of men. Those men who call for all their attention, all their praise, all their hard work, and gave back little on their ends. Now this is a post concerning the emotional and spiritual turmoil all this dumps on the lives of those independent women, not including the financial or physical type, as that is another argument altogether (though equally as binding and burdensome).

If you're tiresome to read further, I'll begin now with the worst case this type of man brings on this type of woman. The lazy man pulls down the spirit of that woman. He makes her feel a sense of responsibility for him that should not exist. If he is of the age to marry or date, he's of the age to have a job that provides for himself, and as a result that work should provide for him the confidence necessary to be dependent upon only himself for extensive praise and attention. Instead, the woman is carrying the spiritual and emotional weight of two people - and that's only if their relationship does not include children!

The independent woman cannot be completely free to be herself if she is responsible for a man like this. By default, the dependent man removes her independence.

What's always so striking is whenever my independent friend or family member breaks up with or divorces a completely dependent man; they always spend again what seems like exorbitant amounts of time with friends and family, because they have the freedom then to do so. Their spirits rise, and they're skydiving, or taking big trips they haven't done in awhile, or they're making big, exciting moves they used to talk about, before their relationship began with the wrong kind of man.

I don't want to treat this like it's a topic more gruesome than physical or mental abuse, because it's not, but I feel it's an under-recognized one. More pressingly I feel it's pertinent to me in my life, and so familiar that I believe I have the ability to speak on it with an objective perspective. It is because I am so surrounded by these vicious circle relationships that I do not waste my own time getting into them myself. I see the signs of dependent men very early on, and I don't want others to waste their time making the same mistakes I've seen among my female friends and family members. (That said, I also recognize that this goes both ways, and in a world ideally of sexually equal rights, this argument would go for independent man wrongly dating dependent women).

The following I wrote as a few tentative red flags I've noticed of men who would not be ideal for independent women to date. Disclaimer: these are just general guidelines that follow my advice - they are in no way the end all, be all if a man follows one red flag. Try to read them without hearing Jeff Foxworthy's voice saying, "...you might be a red-neck."


Red Flags:

1) His parents still pay any part of his rent or house payment.
2) He isn't proactive about seeing or helping out with his children.
3) He expects you to be home at a certain time.
4) Expects food to be prepared or brought to him.
5) He has his girlfriend or wife run most errands.
6) He doesn't do yardwork, or clean around his residence (assuming he's physically able), and expects it to be done by someone else, i.e. mother, partner, friend, relative.

Note: All these have some room for people dependent for extenuating reasons.

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